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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in louistullyskey's LiveJournal:

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    Sunday, August 17th, 2008
    12:42 pm
    of scars
    like stirring a cookpot, all kinds of emotions are brought to the surface. amazing. in one word "hi" everything goes all wiggy. incredible.

    i know what you need. i even think i am capable of giving it. in the future, obviously. i just don't know if i want to live that way.

    Still, it's good to know. it is SO good to know (considering how scary the circumstance is) that it may have not all been me. that maybe, the problem wasn't me being undesireable. but does that knowledge fix everything? I don't know. no. yes. maybe. i really don't know. these wounds wont heal easy, and i'm sure those wont either. though really, after all this time i would like to consolidate this debt. at the very least i want that guilt to go away. i want to stop paying. Maybe if i stop paying and start living again, things could be good.

    I need to stop living in a world so surreal. I need to start enjoying the life set before me. but those old wounds come with weight. those old questions need answering.

    "are sins...ever forgiven?"
    "I don't know. I've never tried."

    Why does it sound so easy in your voice? Does it take great effort to muster that ease, or does it really feel that easy? Or do you not care, are you not devastated like i am still? I would rather be real. Always honest. Always true to my heart. No matter the consequence. I can only be real and true to myself.

    so many things i still want to say. but it doesn't matter now. it can't matter now. no backwards steps. if walking forward brings me to revisit some old places, that is fine, but i will not take any more steps back. this is my goal.

    of course i am only writing this to you. there is only you.

    (one more cup of coffee for the road)

    Wednesday, July 30th, 2008
    7:42 pm
    of endings
    [Censored]

    (one more cup of coffee for the road)

    Saturday, May 31st, 2008
    3:23 pm
    of prosaic musings
    I get it now. it just hit me.

    The profound loneliness of being a soldier.

    Everyone talks about the sacrifices we make to be soldiers. And i always kind of understood that. I mean, you sacrifice time, energy, sweat. You sacrifice a lot of freedoms. The freedom to decide your schedule, the freedom to choose where to live, the freedom to decide how to dress and look to name a few. But that's not it. Hell, i even made one HUGE sacrifice for this life, I lost a great love, a relationship of half a decade for this life. And still, thats not it. It's the notion that while I am here, while I am on the other side of the planet fighitng for people who would rather I not even be here, your lives simply go on. And why should they not? You do everything the same simply with me pulled out of your day. Neatly and surgically removed. Sure, the few of you worth something to me spare a moment and a thought. This is not to say you don't care. Of course you do. But your lives are their own, to be lived to the fullest and best of your abilities, my involvement one way or the other shouldn't be a deciding factor, but now I have no choice but to sit back and watch it all pass by me. And having the internet readily available makes it only worse because I can watch it on a day to day basis, the details of it all, pass by me yet I am behind 2 inch thick sound proof one way glass like some damned aquarium freak, doomed to only watch from afar. My life. Jake's life was put on hold. To do this. And I love this. make no mistake. I love what I do and more important why i do it. but that is the sacrifice. When i return, i will have to fit back in, i will have to rebuild a life from the ground up. And I am more than a little certain that this will not be my last deployment. It will most certainly be my shortest.

    I dont know. I am having a big gut check "who am i" moment. I've never felt loneliness like this before. I have no basis, no ground state, no end state to look forward to. Without that pesky relationship to define me, i find i am having to completely redefine myself. And without the laurels of my past or my God given natural talents. Here in the sand, i have to really and truly look at "me". Whatever in the nine hells that means. I am guessing that in the end it will all be a very good thing. I will come out of this stronger, more sure. Less cocky, just more self aware. Which as an artist, it is that struggle, that thresh hold of change that makes great works, so ultimately, the poet inside of me welcomes this with wide open arms, but that makes it no less difficult.

    I have one good friend here. A very good friend. And that helps. But in the midst of it all i am filled with such profound doubt and insecurity. The likes of which i've not felt since jr. high. before the laughter came, before the arrogance and the popularity. I am that scared little boy once more. and with that comes the fear that I will never be loved. again. that I don't deserve a happy contented relationship. What a silly thought though. Of course I do. I am a good man. i am not always a nice man, but I am good. of that i am sure. but honestly and truly, for some odd reason i dont feel as if I deserve to be happy. i dont see how anyone can ever love me again. i feel utterly like damaged goods.

    she, and perhaps deservedly so (though i am not wholly convinced) made me feel dirty, wrong, profane. She made me feel as if i were a serpent. and unwelcome and ugly thing. she made me feel ugly. perhaps i've gained ten pounds, but don't we do that as we age? And that notwithstanding, i am in the army, an organization which holds me to a standard of physical fitness I have never been subject to. I can't be ugly.

    I'm articulate and funny, i am very emotionally aware and spiritually sound, I am witty and intelligent to an extent that even I have not fully explored, i am talented in many ways, the arts being the foremost, i am just and a solid conflict resolver, i am an excellent conversationalist and a practiced socializer, i am a kisser of heroic proportion, and i've been told that I am not bad looking. I'm well dressed and well read and financially stable. I am capable of great love.

    why then do i feel this way?

    it has been 5 years since I've had my own heart broken. 5 years since i've been dumped. and every time in the past i have jumped immediately into meaningless rebound flings and other self destructive behavior. This time however I haven't. I have let this big gaping wound just sit out in the stinging air, hoping that it would be the "right way to heal". Is it? And is that the source of these feelings? Because if that's the case i would rather just find some trollop to fling with. I am tired of feeling this way.

    I miss tenderness. i miss unconditional support. I miss the smell and the touch of someone who wants you just as bad as you want her. I miss the giddiness of walking away from a first kiss and the overwhelming electricity right before it. i miss being wanted. even during that relationship, i was never wanted.

    and now i am here. in the cradle of civilization, in the wasteland of God's wrath fighting a war of questionably morality. I gladly do my duty. Yet here, i am forced to look at myself in an un-perversed mirror and stare hard and my downfall. I'll build it all back. Don't you doubt. And i will soar higher than before. but I have never been one to doubt myself. It's new and I don't like it.

    No doubt any one who started reading has given up already. It's alright. I would have. Self-centeredness I suppose would be one of my many bad qualities that I am not in the mood to list right now. but if you did, if you got this far. Bless you. Truly, bless you. You are the type of friend I need. And if you've gotten this far, you must know me well enough to know I am not one to admit I need help much less ask for it. i need friends like you. Thank you.

    goodnight gentle readers and God Bless.



    J. Atreides.

    (1 missed chance | one more cup of coffee for the road)

    Sunday, May 11th, 2008
    11:32 am
    of endless amber
    Incantation


    Time, it takes time to call forth

    From soul mind that which

    Break politic hath wrought

    And fought to hide in

    Deep dark recess of light sojourn paths

    Oh! Come ye forge

    Come ye fires

    Come ye demons chained darkly

    Come damned damning desires.

    Oh! Spark ye inspiration

    That which lay accursed

    Deep, so deep.

    To touch and grasp

    The shadows, the mist, the

    Mornings and dyings

    Oh! Sweet entropy, that

    Which decays.

    To find and build and make

    That which time and dirt hath

    Broken, hath sullied, hath ravaged

    Oh! Spring forth ye wayward wills,

    Ye lost sailors, ye

    Tiny baby bastard books, ye

    Thoughts, ye bubbles.

    To touch and to seek in dark

    In tender solitude in

    Snowflake brittle mountain mist of mind

    Oh! Die ye bitter stain, ye

    Twisted twig at sour root

    Memory mind break

    Bought and sold ye. He hath

    Wrought this timeless fire

    Sow Wind! Sow Wind!

    Reap Time, Reap Time.



    Dulcet Tones of Memory


    You there in gossamer sheen, in velvet

    Softness, in hazed Halcyon Falcons.

    Take wind on whispers of fire.

    You there with bleak misgivings, sin,

    In times chamber of knowledge.

    You in mountains, in spring, in hope, in bloom.

    You, the clay, the slate,

    You in paint, red, so red.

    This pains, this stain, the rain, the rip, the tear,

    The shame, Oh! The Shame.

    You. Hiding. Gripping sheets to your chin,

    Tight, so tight.

    To hide, the rip, the tear.

    You, the eyes, so wide

    Dark Pools of disgust, empty, so empty

    The depth of disappointment.

    You, The shell, you the walls, you

    So bare, bare, so bare and white,

    The shell, the hall, the echo

    The sighs, oh! Sighs.

    The bruise, oh bruised.

    Tin Can Man through strings screams wild.

    You the machine,

    The soul takes flight, no.

    The husk, the cog.

    Tik Tik Tik - Coff.

    Tik Tik Tik - Coff.

    Tik Tik Tik - Burn, Boom!

    Tik, Tik…Tik……..Tik………….Tik.

    You the bitch, you the scream, you the shred

    You the turning and turning and turning

    You the fire, the burn

    You the burn, you the glass

    You the dark, you the cold.

    You the dead.



    Cheers


    These things I have considered that

    I may never forget. Of fountains

    Dripping blood so barren, souls so dry.

    I toast my dear, to the future.

    I toast my little turtle dove to days gone by.

    Cheers! Cheers! My twit, my fool, my parrot!

    To why I burn these pages

    on which I spill my heartblood



    Riptear


    I want to write you of my best

    Friend. One who has bled with me

    And made me bleed.

    One whom I have bled.

    I have lost something.

    A Torso, perhaps? One needs one

    Doesn’t one?

    Really. I say.

    I want to write of a best friend, who

    Has fled the fleeting

    Affection of one not suited

    To endure enduring eternity

    To rip tear breach burn the one thing

    Of sanity, value, in

    A thing so golden, so rare, so fine

    In threes it comes, in threes

    We fly over mountain and meadow and,

    No, nothing follows, nothing follows

    No, nothing comes to mind.

    In San Diego, one calls and calls,

    Over time and heart and sex

    Through wind and toil

    And rip burn, cries and cries

    Why! To the beat of the drums so deep

    Rips so deep

    Acute is the slice,

    The knife and the knifer.

    Both, the dance over fire, over jaws

    So wide, teeth so sharp

    Slick, so bad, so loose, so

    Ripping, gnashing, burning

    ripping time, to breach peace

    To make that

    Chasing sunset after sunset

    Bar after bar of amber eternity

    To a coastline that never ends,

    Never tires, never sleeps.

    And for what! To dance, and to smile,

    And to slide it in, oh so fine,

    Oh Sweet, oh rip, oh oh burn

    To laugh and tell the tales that

    Keep em comin back for more.

    To Stop and Stare at a fire haired

    goddessbitch who cries inside

    An hourglass

    She beats and beats

    But glass wont break

    Glass wont break,

    Shreds of forever, slip through fingers

    Clasped so tight, oh so tight.

    Fight! Against the inevitability of the whys

    And the hows

    And cry Murder! Murder!

    Of that wind, so free,

    That mind, so fine,

    The soul, so chained.

    Come Wind! Come Toil!

    Come everlasting goodness!

    Come feathers unfettered!

    Now! Now is your time

    Now is your flight,

    Gone are the phantoms

    Of failure, of fighting of

    Bruises, of crying

    Of timeless voices

    Voice break glass

    Rip the shroud!

    Death comes not to he who waits

    But to he who leaps half hearted.

    Forever comes to he who soars and

    Dares to die in the soaring.

    Leave the world, leave the earth,

    The rip tear gnash burn

    Leave it.

    Fly!

    (one more cup of coffee for the road)

    Saturday, April 12th, 2008
    1:15 pm
    of a refusal to backslide
    no.

    no, fuck that. you dont get to make me feel this way anymore. you dont get to do that to me anymore.

    you chose not to support me in this. you chose to make me feel about about this. so you dont get to be a part of it. you dont get to be invested in it. you couldn't handle it, so guess what, dont handle it. you're out. you couldn't be a part of it, so you're out. you dont get that piece of me anymore. you dont get it. i am taking it back. get that. you can't support that part of my life, so you get no parts of it. get that. and let me be in peace with this, alongside those who chose to stand by my side with it all. which, wonder of wonders, was not you. the one person i needed to be by my side. since i cant have it, i wont need it. get that too. and live with the choice you made.

    (1 missed chance | one more cup of coffee for the road)

    Sunday, March 30th, 2008
    7:42 pm
    of closing the book
    Love is most certainly not enough. It is not all you need. it does not, in any fashion, conquer all. I am lead to this belief now by experience, not just the conjecture and cynicism that so pervades my nature, as most of you know. though a cynic I was not always, as few of you know. at one time i was possessed of an obnoxious optimism and light-heartedness that, as of recently, has served to be my greatest enemy, though that is neither here, nor there. or anywhere relevant for that matter.

    love, however, is not, and cannot be enough.

    take, for instance, my first great love. Jenae Ripplinger. Her and i had problems, i grant you, though few, very few, (though in truth this may be more due to the rosy glassed spectacles of retrospection that men so easily don) of them were internal. They were external problems. The core of which, obviously, being that strange little matter of religion. This affected her parents view of me, (although recent evidence suggests they were merely crazy in addition to intolerant) thereby causing them to take an adverse hand in the demise of that otherwise decent relationship. Granted, it started when i was 16 and inasmuch doomed to failure, however, there was no lack of the one ingredient that Hollywood and hallmark would have us believe is the single panacea to relational strife: love. We loved each other in great measure. Yet it was not enough.

    And now. As in the case of one Kasey Rude. The events of this particular matter are still too fresh and painful for me in delve into too great of detail at this time, however, once again, i can assure you that the issues at hand had little to do with there being a lack of love. it was a great and deep love in fact. still is it would seem. but once again, love was not enough. not nearly.

    this is not to say that i do not believe in love. quite the opposite. I do so to a greater degree than before. it is only that I cannot and do not trust in its miracle working power, for it has none. Love is not, in any measure, stronger than the outside circumstances that so dominate a relationship. It is a motivating factor, sure. And unfortunately, if the outside circumstances are, in fact, too strong, love then becomes only a source of greater pain. Love makes you struggle against a demise that is inevitable. Love is taking the band-aid off slowly. a band-aid which all parties involved know needs to be ripped, sharply and quickly, so there is more time available to heal and go out and find some other sucker to cut you.

    i am a cynic. this is true. and in many respects I am not a very nice man. but i am a good man. and while i believe in love, i do not believe in its power to affect anything.

    thus springs the question in your mind. Why? Why then do we bother? Or more importantly, because as Americans it is results, not musings, that matter, how do we make it work?

    I do not suggest, then, that we give up. For while love is not strong enough to conquer all, it is my belief that God is. And when love occurs, it is His will as to whether or not the external forces can rip it apart. His will and your work. This is the panacea, the cure-all. And as much as I am a simple creature of logic, i chalk it all up, all of the pain and misery, to "It was simply not meant to be." Thus I believe was the Lords decree. And who am i to argue.

    We fought and we struggled and we bled and we cried and most importantly, we loved. And in the end. It was not enough.

    someday, with someone, it will be.

    and that, is my closing statement

    (one more cup of coffee for the road)

    Sunday, January 27th, 2008
    12:40 pm
    of real realities
    I've been having a hard time believing in anything lately. honestly. and this forced incommunacado may have been the best thing for me. then again, it very easily could have been the worst. not like the conversations were all that rich right before hand. sure sure, it may be rehearsals, but I am starting to doubt that. and honestly, after christmas exodus, nothing has been the same. it was a great time, really, it was, but since then, there has been a rift and it bugs the hell out of me.

    here's what i've come up with:

    all i've got left to me is accepting the reality dealt to me. she obviously doesn't care about my problems. which knowing her is more as like than not a power play because she is sure I obviously don't care about her problems. the point here is i'm being punished. not because it's not happening, but in her refusal to deal with it, to talk about it, to care about it. and that hurt me more than anything. but wait, my feelings dont matter, remember. oh yeah, i forgot. so, that's it. all i've got is to accept me punishment. i have to sit here and take it because i used up all of my "have an opinion" points when i joined the army.

    i'm not the only one that changed. and i dont always like what i see. i am dealing in realities here. they may be harsh and ugly, but what makes realities so special is that they are real. and they dont go away. and when i was an undergrad, i was able to just push reality aside for a while and hope that it would go away, but here, in this world, i cannot do that.

    but what the hell do i know?

    i'm tired. i am so tired. and i have such huge things on my plate to deal with.

    so yeah, having had a broken cell phone was actually pretty good for gaining a little perspective. the problem is that i didn't really figure anything out. i am just more pissed, more bummed, and more lost in all this. more to the point, i am more defeated than i used to be, and i hate that. because here i am doing the most valuable thing you can ask of any american, and because of all the crap i got going on back home, i cant even believe in that anymore.

    i may be very selfish. but for the first time in our lives together, i am starting to see that in you. and it worries me.

    and all of this is because i know, like i always know, that there is something going on here that you aren't telling me...

    (one more cup of coffee for the road)

    Saturday, May 19th, 2007
    7:38 pm
    if thats what i think it is...

    i just threw up in my mouth a little

    (one more cup of coffee for the road)

    Friday, April 27th, 2007
    1:38 am
    you dont get it do you?
    I guess I dont either.

    (one more cup of coffee for the road)

    Monday, April 23rd, 2007
    1:40 am
    of songless sparrows, a poetic question answered.
    i can't. i can't think. i dont know what to think. i'm so sorry.

    i hate people who live with "no regrets"

    it's a bunch of bullshit. everybody's done something they wish they could change.

    "but that is what made me the person i am today."

    well i got a secret for you. not everyone likes the person they are today.

    put that in your mouth, chew it.

    (one more cup of coffee for the road)

    Friday, April 20th, 2007
    3:30 am
    me neither

    (one more cup of coffee for the road)

    Monday, April 16th, 2007
    11:46 pm
    oh if life were full of moments
    even now and then a bad one
    but if life were full of moments
    how would you ever know you've had one.

    (one more cup of coffee for the road)

    Sunday, March 11th, 2007
    1:21 am
    "Life's not a song sweetling. You'll learn that one day to your sorrow."

    (one more cup of coffee for the road)

    Wednesday, March 7th, 2007
    8:04 pm
    I dont know..i guess I just expected people to be...you know...happy for me.

    is that too much to ask?

    (2 missed chances | one more cup of coffee for the road)

    Monday, February 26th, 2007
    10:49 pm
    I most definately expected a different response from you. I have no idea how to act now..

    (1 missed chance | one more cup of coffee for the road)

    Monday, February 12th, 2007
    1:48 pm
    and i keep wondering, how long before the inevitable atrocity?

    (1 missed chance | one more cup of coffee for the road)

    Tuesday, January 30th, 2007
    11:46 am
    of bound hands unbound
    whatever

    Current Mood: pissed off

    (one more cup of coffee for the road)

    Friday, January 19th, 2007
    4:25 pm
    of the backstep two-step
    I can see that you have already started taking steps back into your created reality.

    I guess I should have seen this coming.

    ::sigh:: I suppose it's time for me to step back into loneliness.

    again.

    I'm so tired.

    Current Mood: lonely

    (one more cup of coffee for the road)

    Friday, January 12th, 2007
    5:33 pm
    of relative gravitational pull
    i am just tired. that's all i can say. all of this is so tiring. it's up and down all the time and I am trying to very hard to find some solid ground to stand on.

    it isn't fair. that's not the case at all. but you wont hear it out. i dont know what else to say really but i wish you'd hear me out. it is unfair to have my sentence proclaimed without the benefit of a fair trial.

    i am simply exhausted. when does the good part start again?

    (2 missed chances | one more cup of coffee for the road)

    Friday, January 5th, 2007
    8:38 pm
    of the schism
    it positively breaks my heart that i dont understand have of what you write anymore. not even close to half.

    it is as if you and i both are splitting ourselves down the middle. you with your new self, me with mine, and the selves we are reserving for each other. it is a harsh scary reality.

    i dont like this one bit

    Current Mood: curious

    (one more cup of coffee for the road)

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